


The Worse Place

by callboxkat



Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - The Good Place (TV) Fusion, BTHB, Bad Things Happen Bingo, Crack, Gen, M/M, Only reason I don't use archive warnings is because while there IS major character death, Prompt: Chained to the Bed, but nothing explicit, it's only mentioned as having happened really, the good place AU, there kind of has to be for this to be a TGP AU, there's some uh. Remus-y content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:21:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26054854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callboxkat/pseuds/callboxkat
Summary: In a case of mistaken identity, Janus is whisked off to The Good Place when he dies.Things do not go as Good as the name would suggest, especially since "Patton" has been paired with Remus as his soulmate. Apparently, there's the Good Place, the Bad Place, and the Worse Place.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders
Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1858819
Comments: 7
Kudos: 11





	The Worse Place

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for, well, a very Remus attempt at seduction (nothing explicit). And death mentions, obviously.

Janus had never thought much about death. He supposed he had expected everything to simply end. No heaven or hell, no eternal darkness, simply an end of all awareness, even the awareness that things _had_ ended.

What he had not expected was to suddenly wake up in what appeared to be an average waiting room, with a large white sign reading, _Welcome! Everything is fine_.

Nor, for a man to come in and announce that not only was he dead, but that due to living a virtuous life—not something Janus heard often—he had been accepted into what was apparently simply termed The Good Place.

Then the man, Michael, began calling him _Patton_ , not Janus, and things got… complicated.

Apparently, there had been a mistake, and Janus wasn’t actually supposed to be here at all. Some guy named Patton was. Janus wasn’t sure what exactly had happened—was the real Patton actually still alive? Had they died at the same instant, and been somehow swapped by mistake? If so, that would mean Patton had ended up in The Bad Place.

Janus hoped not. Patton didn’t deserve that. But while Janus felt for the guy, he wasn’t exactly about to expose himself and get sent to eternal torment just so that some guy he’d never met and most likely never _would_ meet could come here and eat frozen yogurt for eternity while Janus went to what sounded like Hell in all but name.

Of course, the prospect of pretending to be someone he wasn’t for all eternity was a difficult one. Patton was apparently some soft little puffball, always smiling and putting others before himself in literally _everything_ he did—the guy was a volunteer fireman, apparently, and had been involved with too many charities for Janus to even bother to try to keep track of. And he hated snakes with a passion, which meant that Janus, who had owned several snakes when he was alive and loved the creatures, had been placed in a neighborhood that he was repeatedly assured would have Absolutely No Snakes.

Plus, soulmates appeared to be real, except Patton’s soulmate was far from a good match for Janus. The guy was _disgusting_. He never threw away his garbage, literally _ate_ deodorant rather than putting it _on_ his body, never showered or groomed himself, and was constantly making innuendos that made Janus want to gag. How he could possibly have gotten into The Good Place, or have been Patton’s soulmate, Janus couldn’t imagine. Remus hadn’t shared how he’d gotten there, too busy telling his crude jokes and imaginatively gruesome horror stories.

The icing on the cake for Janus was that Patton had also been a staunch environmentalist, which meant that even in the afterlife, Janus got to grow all of his own food, compost, reuse as much water as he could (Michael had suggested going as far as to boil his own shower water for tea, but Janus had to draw the line somewhere), and just generally make himself miserable in the name of an environment that wasn’t even a part of his current plane of existence. It wasn’t that Janus hated the environment: he’d recycled. Usually. If he didn’t have to go too far out of his way. And he’d had a reusable water bottle. But all of this? Just going through the motions as if protecting the environment, when he literally _was not even on Earth anymore?_ It was ridiculous. Maybe that was how Remus had ended up as Patton’s soulmate—if you never showered, you saved a lot of water.

One thing that raising all of Janus’s food included was that he had his very own cows. And If Janus wanted milk, or to keep up the appearance that he really was Patton, he had to take care of the cows.

The cows, which didn’t seem to like Janus all that much, probably because he wasn’t actually the wonderful Patton who’d been meant to be their owner.

One day, after breaking his back all day pulling weeds in the rain while his neighbors ate frozen yogurt and went for walks under cutesy umbrellas and talked about how forking great their days had been, Janus went to check on the forking cows, and they had shoved him right into the forking mud. And he’d gotten stuck.

A couple of his neighbors, who he had bonded with over the fact that they seemed to be having just as difficult a time with things as he was, had come to help, and had ended up just as filthy as he was.

Janus knew cows couldn’t laugh, but he could have sworn these ones did. He’d definitely heard some poorly stifled cackling from the neighbors.

That night, still dripping with mud, Janus went home. He glanced at the pastel puppy-and-kitten-themed décor as he walked in, shook his head, and made his way to the bedroom, hoping to strip these clothes off and at least try to salvage the day with a long, _long_ soak in the tub. After a shower: he wasn’t taking a mud bath.

Janus pushed open the door and stopped dead in his tracks.

His “soulmate”—or at least, Patton’s supposed soulmate (he did find that hard to believe)—lay in the bed, surrounded by white candles dripping red wax, his wrists chained to the bedposts, wearing a disturbingly small amount of clothing and a few other things that one might find at a certain type of store geared exclusively towards adults. The lights were off, but the many candles threw into harsh relief far more than Janus wanted to see.

Janus stared, slowly dripping mud on the carpet, feeling like he had just witnessed a horrific car wreck and couldn’t look away.

Remus just smiled, apparently perturbed by neither Janus’s reaction nor the mud coating his body, and batted his eyelashes.

“I’m seducing you,” he claimed.

Janus’s jaw hung open. This had to be the worst thing he’d ever seen. Nothing on Earth had ever been so horrifying, surely.

And suddenly, a lot of things made sense. Why he’d been struggling since the moment he arrived here, the case of mistaken identity aside. The cows and the mud, the complete lack of snakes, the censored swearing that made him feel like he was a character in a forking children’s book, and _Remus_.

“ _This_ is The Bad Place!” Janus announced.

There was a collective groan from the demons outside.


End file.
